Dear Journal
by JacksonMiracle
Summary: A collection of short journal entries that will provide a small window into the souls of all/most SG-1 characters. Begins just after the movie and will continue through all 10 seasons of SG-1. Started as my contribution to the GateWorld Rewatch project in 2011, and is finally being continued 3 years later.
1. Stargate the Movie

**Author's Note: This is my contribution to the GateWorld Rewatch project. For more information please head over to GateWorld (dot) net. Each chapter will cover a different episode (or two in the case of two-parters). Most chapters will probably only contain one character's journal entry based on that episode, however some will contain multiple characters' POV. I plan to cover all characters at some point in time, however, I do have my favorites and that will probably become very obvious. These journal entries will be very short and can be considered stand-alone drabbles, although knowledge of the episode(s) will be required to understand most entries. I plan to update this nearly daily as I rewatch SG-1 along with the rest of the GateWorld Community. **

**I will welcome all reviews, both good and bad, but I do ask that all reviews are constructive. Why do you or why don't you like it? How can I improve it?**

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, I'm just borrowing it.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

My Daniel said that it would be a good idea for me to start writing a journal to practice my English. I am eager to keep learning this strange language of my Daniel. He knows many languages, but he says this is the one he uses the most. I hope to learn them all and be smart like him. It was not that long ago that I could not write at all. It was forbidden then, when we still had to fear Ra. My Daniel has been with us for only a short time, but it seems like much longer with everything that he has brought to Abydos. He is one of the family. No, that is not the right word for it. He is my husband. That is more than family. He is part of me.

Skaara is taking on even more of a leadership role amongst the people. I cannot help but to be proud of him and his accomplishments as he matures more and more every day. He is an honor to our father and to our family and to our people. He misses the friend of my Daniel, the one called O'Neill. He talks about him very often, and hardly lets the fire maker O'Neill gave to him, my Daniel calls it a lighter, out of his sight.

I can say that I am honestly happy for one of the few times in my life. I have my Daniel. The new Abydos, the post-Ra Abydos that my Daniel and my father and our people have created is more than I know how to say in this English language. It is difficult to express in words the joy and peace that I feel today. We lost many lives to Ra, and we have not yet re-built everything that was destroyed, but we work hard each day toward that end. We are recovering, standing strong in our new world, and not letting the time pass us by idly.

I have not yet brought up the topic with my Daniel, but I feel that now we know where Abydos is going as a civilization, and we know that it is to a good place, I think that I would like to start a family of my own. I would like to have children with my Daniel. He will make an excellent father. Already I can see the qualities in him of a great leader, someone who is kind and compassionate, but will speak his mind, and stand up for what is right. Even if it is not meant for us to have children, or for my Daniel to become the leader of Abydos after my father passes, I know that he will succeed at whatever he tries. I treasure each moment that we have together, knowing how fragile time and life can be. For now it is good, and I wish for it to always remain so.

-Shau'ri

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

This is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, and stupider. But I made a promise. Well, sort of a promise. I consider it a promise, and I think that he did too. I told the little dweeb that I would be ok. It wasn't a complete lie. I thought that I would be ok, and sometimes I still do. But other times, I'm not so sure. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's all worth it. So, stupid or not, here I am writing it all out. Keeping a journal to keep from doing something crazy.

I stopped smoking for the millionth, and hopefully final, time. Retired again, too. I took up star gazing. I can't help but wonder which little speck of light is Abydos. It's funny that I actually miss the little dweeb, hey, I lied for him, I guess I have a right to miss him. Jackson staying on Abydos wasn't the first lie I had ever told in an official report, and it sure wouldn't have been the last if I had accepted General West's offer and stayed on active duty this time.

Anyway, _The Simpson's_ are showing re-runs right now. Turns out I missed quite a bit between my depression, Abydos, and the divorce.

Beer still tastes good, and it still aides in the forgetting.

I went shopping today, worked on the car a little, cleaned out a couple boxes in the garage, that's when I found a home movie, and my entire world crashed and burned, and again, turned black. But not for as long this time. It only lasted a few minutes. And this time, I was actually able to put the disc into the player. I couldn't push the play button though. Maybe someday. It was dated less than a month before the accident. I just can't do it. Not yet. It's still too soon.

I haven't had the dream about Skaara for more than a week now. I really liked that kid. Hope Jackson hasn't corrupted him too much. Who am I kidding? I only spent a few days with the dweeb, and I bet he's got everybody on that planet speaking three different languages, and clucking like chickens, and blowing their noses every two minutes. Jackson's a good kid too, somewhere deep down anyway, past all the nerdiness. I'm glad he found true love. He deserves to be happy. Catherine thought so too when I confided the truth to her. She won't tell anyone. She was happy for him. He never quite fit on Earth anyway. Now he's among a much better people.

Feeling better now, so I can stop this nonsensical stupid ramblings that someone smart calls a journal.

-Colonel J. O'Neill, retired


	2. Season 1: Children of the Gods

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I never actually thought that I would be writing in you again. Everything I've been doing these past few years has been so heavily classified, I've almost been afraid to put anything into writing, except of course for my official reports. I haven't had much of a personal life, and nothing exciting ever really happens to me. At least not until now. Now I finally have something to write about and there's no way I'm sleeping tonight, not after the day I just had. So, I figured, why not dust you off and update you on everything that's happened.

I just can't get the events of this last mission out of my head. I really hesitate to say it given everything that's happened in the past, but I think I may have finally found where I belong. This is exactly what I had hoped for in an assignment and so much more. I'm not just sitting in a lab somewhere, I'm actually getting to do field work as well. Or at least I will be if everything goes the way I pray it will tomorrow. We've actually only had the one mission so far, and it didn't exactly go as planned, we cut the deadline way too close, and brought back a surprise that no one had anticipated. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Maybe I should start with Daniel. Yes, the Daniel, the one that I have rued for the past year because he figured out in two weeks what I couldn't in two years. I was so stuck on the six character combination, that having a point of origin never even occurred to me. I guess I always figured that the gate already knew where it was, and just needed to know where it was going. Who would have thought that an archeologist with widely rejected theories and severe allergies would have the answer? Anyway, I finally met Daniel, and he's not what I expected. I actually kind of like him. He understands the world, the galaxy, in a way that not many people do. I don't know if he's really that smart, or if it was just the year on a planet with 36 hour days that has opened his mind to the possibilities. Anyway, I think that we're going to be friends. I still need to get him to tell me the rest of the story about Sha're. I can't believe he actually accepted his wife as a gift!

Then there's Colonel O'Neill. I didn't actually start off on the right foot with him. I think I came across as a little bit too G.I. Jane, but regardless I think that we've managed to work out a mutual respect for each other. He's a great leader and I'm proud to have him as a Commanding Officer. If he keeps running SG-1 the way that he did today, I know we're going to get along just fine.

If they ever decide to add a fourth member to the team, I hope it's Teal'c. He did save our life and something about the way he looked at me when he surrendered his weapon to me in the gate room just screams teammate, not enemy. I can just picture him and Daniel trading stories for hours on end. Well, maybe not. Teal'c's more of a silent type. Daniel would be telling most of the stories, but from the excitement I saw in him back on Abydos before Sha're and Skaara were captured, I don't think that he would mind that.

So, that's the team. And what we're going to be doing is anybody's guess. There was a lot of talk as I was leaving the base about who's going to be coming in, and what exactly the teams are going to be doing. If I'm honest, I would prefer it if the team's primary goal was simply exploration and information gathering at this point. But we can't ignore the fact that there is a real threat out there, and somewhere we need to find allies to help us fight them. Things are moving really fast, and I wish I had more time to study the small bits of technology that we've encountered so far. Something powerful enough to throw a full grown man against the wall, but small enough to fit in a woman's palm is definitely worth looking into.

I've read over all the analysis reports on the quartz material that comprises the gate, and I know that if we can get our hands on enough of it, it will revolutionize our current technology, and make us a competitor on a universal scale. From the brief time I've spent with the refugees making sure they were settled in until we could send them home, I know we're already more advanced than a lot of civilizations out there. I just want to take it to the next level.

I have a briefing super early in the morning, and at some point I'm going to have to go apartment hunting. I really prefer to do that sort of thing for myself, and I had to leave D.C. on such short notice I didn't get to do it before going on the mission. The Airforce is putting me up in a hotel until I get settled and find a place. I really want to get my stuff out of storage sooner rather than later. Daniel mentioned that he's staying with Colonel O'Neill right now, so maybe I could take him with me and we could both find places. Not next to each other of course. It never works to live close to someone you work with everyday. But it never hurts to look at places with a second set of eyes along. And maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over this lingering jealousy I have that he solved the puzzle of the Stargate before I did. Of course, I'll never let anyone see that jealousy, but it is there. And now, before I give out too many more of my secrets, it's back into the locking safe with you where you'll stay for a while. At least until my next big mission as a part of SG-1.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	3. The Enemy Within

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

There's something about being in command that makes you want to be the good guy all the time, but you know that you have to be the bad guy sometimes too. Often times, being in command means that you have to enforce the orders that are being passed down to you from someone else. Other times, you know that you can push the envelope just a little further, and get away with something that you didn't think you'd be able to get away with at first. Sometimes, being in command can make you seem a little contradictory. Not quite hypocritical, just a little inconsistent.

Deep down, I know where I stand on the issues I face every day. But being in command and having to answer to someone else means that I can't always do what I believe is right. Sometimes, I just have to do what I'm told. I wish the decisions were always up to me, and I take advantage of the times when they are. But when they aren't, I struggle with it, I lose sleep over it. I suppose that's what prompted my call to the President this morning. A lack of sleep does funny things to one's judgment. But I have a really good feeling about this one. Teal'c will have a major impact on this program for the better. The way he handled himself over the past couple of days proved that.

It's always difficult to lose someone under your command. The loss we suffered these past few days will be felt for years to come. It hurt because of who it was. It hurt because of how it happened. Both Colonel O'Neill and myself have lost men before, we've lost friends before, and in horrible ways. But this loss just hurts more for some reason. Kawalsky was a good man. A really good man. I hate to say it, knowing the relationship that they two of them had, but I'm really glad that Colonel O'Neill was the one to give the order to shut down the gate instead of it being me. I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror for awhile after that one. I know it wasn't Kawalsky anymore, and that he had died long before that moment, but it would have been hard to look past physical appearances.

I now know more of what it must have been like for Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill to see Sha're and Skaara with one of those things in them. I've heard some of the others on the base saying that they don't know how the two find the will to keep fighting, knowing full well the formidable power of the enemy they are facing. Dr. Jackson must really love his wife. I can see it in him. He's working all the time and refuses to take a break. He's keeping busy to keep from thinking too much. I'm afraid of what will happen when he finally does allow himself time to think. Colonel O'Neill was born to do this kind of work. I just wish I could be out in the field with him. But that's another side effect of being in command. You get to stay behind, sit in an office, and read the mission reports.

Speaking of which, I really should say something to Colonel O'Neill about the lack of detail in his reports. And to Dr. Jackson and Captain Carter about their over abundance of extraneous information. I still can't decide which of the twin science geeks extrapolates more from a simple rock. I mean that in a nice way, of course. I'm starting to sound like Colonel O'Neill already. I was warned about the impact he could have on a commanding officer. I should have listened.

I just made the mistake of looking at the clock. I have a briefing in less than an hour. A commander's work is never done, as they say. I'm in the process of trying to convince my superiors that arming the self destruct every time we have an incoming traveler without an IDC is a little extreme. The titanium iris is holding together perfectly, and Captain Carter seems to think that its integrity hasn't been compromised at all. Besides, the frequency of the alerts is slowing considerably. Personally, I don't like looking at a ticking clock telling me I have 30 seconds to live every other hour. I really should go prepare for my briefing before actually sitting down at the table. At least that part of Colonel O'Neill hasn't worn off on me just yet.

-General George Hammond


	4. Emancipation

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I should have a copy of the report on the anesthesia we brought back from the Mongol planet on my desk in the morning. I hope it was worth everything we went through on that planet. The Colonel ordered me to play anthropologist, so I did, and now it's got me thinking a lot about the events that took place while there. We might have changed an entire civilization's cultural base for crying out loud (that's the Colonel talking). Daniel said that it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway, we just gave them a little help getting started. Don't get me wrong, I love the change we inspired or forced on them or whatever, but it just seemed a little shallow on their part, almost like they would go back to the way things were as soon as we left. At least the women on that planet will be free for one day. I only wanted to save that girl's life, changing the rest could have waited until the next mission, but showing off my hand-to-hand for the guys got me a little carried away. Oh, well, at least I'll be famous on that planet for something good. It would just really stink if the only thing we were able to get out of interfering was an anesthesia like the ones we already have, basically a tube of Neosporin. But if the changes really do last, then it will be worth it.

Wearing the dress wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I like to feel like a woman sometimes just as much as the next girl. It was nice, right up until the point that the guys saw me. I can already imagine that they'll never look at me the same again. By the way their jaws dropped, I must have looked hideous, and they were definitely lying when they said that it was me. Surely they didn't think I actually looked "beautiful" like Abu said. Could they have? No.

I was asked by someone in the briefing about my interaction with Turghan, and why I didn't try to fight him sooner. I hated having to defend my decisions with reasons like I knew the others outside would hear the noise and come to join in the fight on Turghan's side leaving me outnumbered, or not having enough room to move while wearing the dress, or that I was trying to buy time until the rest of my team arrived to provide back-up. They should have trusted my judgment. I know they were just looking for some excuse to say that I was scared, and thus didn't belong in the field. They're looking for excuses like that for Teal'c and Daniel too. They don't much like the three of us being on the front line SG team. The Colonel's the only one they trust right now. And even he's on a thin leash. They haven't forgotten his "mistaken" mission report about the first Abydos mission.

I can't let any of that bother me though. I have to stay focused if I'm ever going to prove myself. And it all starts with getting a good night's sleep, considering the last time I tried to do that, I ended up being abducted and sold for 300 weights of gold. I heard that the Colonel offered to pay 500 to get me back, before he thought about his sidearm, of course. Still, it's kind of nice to know that he was willing to spend that much of the government's money on little ole me.

-Captain Samantha Carter

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I don't know if I can do this. I haven't been keeping up with my personal journals since coming back to Earth from Abydos for a reason. It was just easier to write in the mission journals and be done with it. No need to analyze anything other than my work. But Sha're wouldn't have wanted it that way. She would have wanted, no, no, I can't say that, she wants, not wanted, wants me to think it through, write it out, talk about it, stop agonizing over it, get it out there, so I can stay focused on finding her and rescuing her. I can't dwell on my pain over being separated from her if I am to save her. And there is hope for saving her. She's alive. I don't care what happened with Kawalsky, we learned from that. And we will save Sha're. I will save Sha're. I have to. I love her. I will find a way to save her.

Love. Devotion. Infatuation. Adoration. Madness. It doesn't matter what I call it. It all leads to the same thing. Desperation. I am no better than Abu on the Mongol planet. I would never sell another human to save Sha're. No. She would never want me to do anything like that. But I would do something extreme. I'm not sure how extreme I'd be willing and able to go until I'm faced with an opportunity. But as soon as I have that opportunity, I'm taking it. Desperation and determination.

Love can make you do stupid things. Mughal risks losing the respect of his people by keeping only one wife, but it is because he loves her. His admission to that made me think long and hard about what I'm doing for Sha're. And I always come to the same conclusion. I love her. That love is worth everything I'm doing on SG-1 all in an effort to hopefully find her and save her. And Mughal helped me to see that I'm doing the right thing. My love for Sha're is worth it. Abu and Nya risked everything just to be with each other because of how deep their love is, and thankfully it paid off for them. They weren't killed and they didn't have to start a war. I am willing to risk my very life to save Sha're because I love her more than words can say. And there is nothing in this world that can make me change my mind.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	5. The Broca Divide

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I have a new respect for Carter after this last mission. I still can't get that image of her in that tank top out of my head. I can't decide if I liked that or the blue dress from a couple planets ago better. A Captain who can shoot a gun as well as I can, is level three advanced in hand to hand, and can pull off looks like those has my vote any day, even if she is a scientist.

You know, this latest "adventure" could have really had some interesting consequences for the team dynamic. I'm just glad that Daniel and I have been able to work out a mutual understanding with each other so quickly. If it had been anybody else I attacked, I have a feeling I would have to explain in detail my little rant about Carter being mine to care about. He never even mentioned the bloody lip I gave him. I had to hear about the damage report later on from one of the witnesses. I asked if we needed to talk about anything and he just shrugged and said "nope, we're good, Jack."

I think I finally found a medical doctor I can respect too. Usually, they get on my nerves, but not this one for some reason. Dr. Fraiser actually seems to care about her patients. Then again, my mind was so foggy during most of our interaction, that I could be just imagining it.

I really need to get Teal'c to watch some old TV shows with me sometime. I'm kind of tired of him not understanding my very funny references. Maybe we can make it a guys' night or something. Daniel could teach him something about cultures that are now dead, and then I could teach him about the culture that's still alive and kicking. I know that Teal'c has been reading a lot, but there's only so much that a book can teach someone. For everything else, there's The Simpsons and retro TV.

I cringe now at the thought of the President actually adding a secondary mandate to the Stargate program to investigate scientific significance of planets. It's just a waste of time if you ask me. We have all the science we need on Earth. And yeah, I know that without scientific advancement, the Air Force wouldn't, and couldn't be what it is today and all that, but it still gets on my nerves. I just have one of those gut feelings that Daniel and Carter will end up paying so much attention to the science stuff that we may end up missing a real threat out there sometime. I guess that Teal'c and I will just have to be extra careful and extra vigilant (that's my word of the day calendar word today).

Extra work means extra sleep, so it's one more beer, and then off to bed with me.

-Colonel J. O'Neill


	6. The First Commandment

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**A special thank you goes to Noxbait, who has been awesome in reviewing every single chapter for me!**

**Also, there will be a second post later tonight. This one should have been posted yesterday, but I couldn't get it to load for some reason. Thus, the double dose today. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

There are some days when I love being in the Air Force. Mostly, these are the days when I end up once again proving that a woman can do anything and sometimes more than what a man can do. Then there are other days when I don't like it so much. I guess that's true for any job, but in this line of work, it usually means that this was a day when people got killed, good people and not so good people. Bad days in the Air Force are the days of betrayal, and broken trust. At the end of these days, we can either choose to feel guilty and wallow in depression, or accept what happened and move on. It's easier to move on sometimes than other times.

I could have killed someone today, and I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, I tell myself it was because the guy wasn't worth it, and I knew that he would eventually get what was coming to him, the timing just wasn't right yet. After the moment of opportunity had passed, he implied I couldn't do it because I was weak, and he held all the power. Colonel O'Neill told me in his own special way that I did the right thing, and that if I had killed him, I would have been stooping to his level. I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter anyway, he was killed by the same people he had been deceiving into believing he was a god.

I keep thinking that I should have felt something, but I never did. If that means that I'm one step closer to descending to his level, then it what it is. But I can't bring myself to feel anything for him. I stopped caring what happened to Jonas Hansen a long time ago. He was a controlling jerk then, and he stayed that way right up to the moment of his death. It's cruel, I know, but somehow it's justice. Not a sweet victory, but a bittersweet resolution.

The damage that was done by SG-9 on that planet was unforgivable, and we're going to have to work extra hard to insure that something like that never happens again. He didn't say anything about it, but the look on Daniel's face when he heard that Frakes had initially gone along with pretending to be gods to the people on that planet spoke volumes. I have a feeling that no anthropologist or linguist in the SGC will be making that mistake again. Daniel has kind of assumed an official leadership role among the anthropologists and linguists and so probably blames himself for every action that one of them takes regardless of rather or not he actually had anything to do with it.

I found out that it was Teal'c who recognized the significance of needing two devices to turn the sky orange. Apparently, he draws really well too. I'm really glad that he's a part of the team. I don't know what we would do without him. I have no idea how most of the alien technology we encounter works, and would generally be lost if he didn't have as much insight as he does into it.

I read the Bible tonight for the first time in awhile. The lion's den and the fiery furnace weren't very encouraging bedtime stories. Oh well, I know I'll sleep anyway. There's not a lot that can make me lay awake anymore. Not after today. Not after seeing Jonas killed. After all, there was a time when I loved him. So, if that doesn't keep me up, nothing will.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	7. Brief Candle

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**A special thank you goes to Noxbait, who has been awesome in reviewing every single chapter for me!**

**As promised, here is my second post of the day. **

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

So, it looks like I'm getting to use a couple weeks of vacation a little sooner than I had planned while I de-age. And it's too bad too, I was really starting to look forward to Florida. Maybe I'll use the time to finish that letter to Sara. Or maybe, I'll just re-watch some old TV shows, and for once, I'm not talking about The Simpsons. No, this time, I'm thinking Starsky and Hutch.

I am never again going to look at an eighty year old with anything but respect. If they're crabby, they have a good reason to be. If they're moving slowly, they have an even better reason. And I'm never eating cake again. Of any kind. Ever. Nope, from now on, it's pie, and only pie. Maybe the occasional cookie. On the plus side, I kind of know how Daniel got himself into the mess with Sha're now. It's surprisingly easy to unknowingly gain an intergalactic spouse. It's Carter's turn to accidently get married on another planet now. I wonder if Earth laws can even apply in these circumstances. I'll have to ask Daniel. I know that he did some research on it just in case we ever find Sha're and Skaara.

Speaking of the science twins, they can't stop talking about all the discoveries that came out of the Argos mission. Daniel and his root of all languages theory have me as baffled as Carter's nanotechnology mumbo jumbo. And frankly, it's giving me a headache. I'm glad they got something out of all it, because all I got was the knowledge that growing old stinks as bad as my grandparents always told me it did. Well that and more proof that the Goa'uld are really bad guys with big egos and a penchant for deception.

I'm tired and my arthritis is killing me. Carter said it would go away soon. But so far, I'm not feeling any better. Guess I should just give up. Maybe I'll go fish for a little while. At least until the sun goes down. My internal clock keeps telling me to pass out and go to sleep when that happens. Carter and Frasier said that was only natural and would eventually re-adjust to my real routine as well. Regardless it's still a pain, and that whole re-adjustment can't come soon enough.

-Colonel J. O'Neill, getting younger all the time


	8. Cold Lazarus

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

Today I found out that the Colonel has a family. Rather, that he had one. It's funny, I know that we all have families. I suppose even Teal'c has one, even though he's never mentioned it, and probably never will. It's just something I've never considered before. I mean, I consider it from my point of view. It's hard not to always be aware of your own family, especially the children in it. My role as an Auntie constantly keeps me on my toes. I know that I'm a role model for them, so it forces me to consider them in practically everything I do. But somehow, I had just never considered the Colonel having a family.

Daniel definitely wins on that point. He knows more about the Colonel than I probably ever will. But he even admits that he doesn't know all that much, just what he learned on the first Abydos mission. Apparently it was right after Charlie was killed, and the Colonel was in a really dark place at the time. I know that's something that I'll never understand. Thankfully, I'll never know what something like that is like. It's different losing a friend or fellow fighter than it is losing a child. Deaths in the Air Force happen, deaths at home aren't supposed to, and it's tragic when it does. I wish the Colonel would open up about it more, especially now that we all know, but I don't think that he ever will.

The Unity said that he was hurt, broken, and wanted to help him heal. I'm afraid that it only made things worse in a way. The only thing it healed was maybe getting the Colonel to talk to his wife again. But I doubt even Daniel knows the status of the Colonel's relationship with Sara right now. As far as Charlie is concerned, I know that if it were me, it would only make me hurt more to see him "alive" again. I can't imagine how it would be different for the Colonel. Then again, maybe I'm missing something, something I can never possibly hope to understand. Maybe for the Colonel, it was easier to see Charlie again, to know that his memory does live on.

It's too bad we had to send all of the Unity back. It would have been nice to learn more about their energy, and actually converse with them on a deeper level. I've never thought about crystals as living energy beings before. But I guess the Stargate has proved more than once now that what I thought was impossible before is actually more than possible. I'll never get use to it though.

General Hammond showed a new side to himself over the past couple days as well. He could have formally written me up for the little experiment with Teal'c's staff weapon in the Gateroom. But he didn't even informally talk to me about it. I guess he knew that I knew better and had learned my lesson. I don't expect him to be as lenient if I ever try something like that again. Of course, we wouldn't have even been using the Gateroom if we had an adequate sized science lab suitable for that type of experiment. I know there's a lot of rooms on the base, but there aren't that many set up with the proper equipment to be considered an official science lab. That will probably be changing in the near future, and could be the other reason why the General didn't formally reprimand me.

I think Daniel's finally convinced Teal'c that the information he gets about Earth from movies and World News isn't all there is to the planet. We're supposed to be taking him for a tour of this part of Colorado later this afternoon, and I still need to change clothes. Somehow, wearing fatigues and playing tour guide don't always go together.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	9. Thor's Hammer

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**This is one of my all time favorite SG-1 episodes, so I had a hard time narrowing it down to only two character POVs. I'll probably end up adding more later on. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I took me less than a minute to make the hardest decision any man can be asked to make, but those few seconds felt like a lifetime. I didn't question why Jack asked me to be the one to fire the staff weapon. I already knew the answer. Jack understood that I had the most to lose, and therefore had to be the one to make the call. I don't think he could have done it himself if he had tried. Sure, he could have pulled the trigger, no problem, but he couldn't destroy my hope. Jack would never allow himself to do something like that.

I'm almost glad that he didn't take the decision away from me. Now, I only have myself to blame. It was my decision, and I chose to kill my wife. Not literally, but yes, if I'm honest with myself that is exactly what it felt…feels like. It feels like I killed Sha're when I destroyed the only known successful method of ridding her of the parasite within her. I spent all day hoping, praying, knowing, that there was some way to save Sha're out there if I could just find it, just trust Kendra enough to lead us to it. I built my emotions up, only to have them come crashing to the ground.

I had to make a choice. I had to choose between Sha're and Teal'c. I know that Teal'c still feels responsible for what happened to Sha're. He is the one who chose her as a candidate to be the host of Apophis's queen, Amonet. But I don't blame him, can't blame him for that. He had to choose the best candidate to keep the other women alive for as long as possible. He chose Sha're because he knew that she had the best chance of success at pleasing the Goa'uld who would take over her body. He would have gladly paid his penance and stayed in the labyrinth just so I would have the possibility of saving her. But I couldn't let him do that.

For good or for not, Sha're would never have wanted me to sacrifice someone who is as good a friend as Teal'c is just to save her. She wouldn't want to be saved knowing that Teal'c had forfeited himself so that she could be freed. And I could never have asked that of Teal'c. I owed him for saving us on Chulak. I couldn't leave him behind, and I couldn't ask him to walk through the hammer and have his symbiote killed.

When it was done, I had to lie to Teal'c and to myself just to keep from falling apart. I still don't know if I believe the lie I told. I said that at least we knew it could be done. But that's not enough for me. I need to know that it can (present tense) be done. Today. No waiting. No trial and error. But a proven method. Part of me says that I'll never have that now. That I killed my wife when I took away the only sure way to save her. And I hate myself a little for it. Teal'c is alive and with us, and that's great, it really is, there's no argument from me on that point. But Sha're and Skaara are still imprisoned in their own minds. It must be torture for them. Kendra told me just enough for me to figure the rest out on my own. And I don't like my conclusions.

Some days are better than others now. Some days I don't think about her as much, I don't miss her as much. But I'll never fully heal, not until I find her and save her. And right now, that reality is further away than ever before.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I have never thought of this as more than a needless exercise for weak minded children. But Daniel Jackson has encouraged me to begin this endeavor. He insists that it is customary on Earth for everyone to keep a journal like the one I am beginning now. However, I cannot get O'Neill to confess to keeping one himself. I understand the importance of scientists like Daniel Jackson having a journal. But the wisdom of a warrior like myself and O'Neill keeping one is deeply flawed. Nevertheless, I have agreed to writing "one entry every so often" as Captain Carter suggested when she confessed to keeping a journal herself.

I have learned much in my short time with the Tau'ri. Myths have become reality. This was proved on my last mission with SG-1 when I encountered an Unas, a first one. Perhaps if this myth is true, then I should start to protect myself against some of the Tau'ri myths. I will start with a clove of garlic and a cross to protect against the vampires.

Daniel Jackson chose to save my life over the life of his wife. I know that if he says otherwise, he is lying. How could one view his actions as other than that? His emotions, and those of the rest of SG-1, are not unlike the emotions experienced by Jaffa. They are simply more willing to let them show. I wonder if our roles had been reversed if I would have been strong enough to make the same decision. I do not think that I would have chosen friendship now, over my wife in the future. I do not know why O'Neill left the choice up to Daniel Jackson. Decisions like that should only be made by a warrior. O'Neill should have made the decision. He was no further from the exit than Daniel Jackson. I feel it would have been easier for them both in the long run.

I have nothing more to write.

-Teal'c


	10. The Torment of Tantalus

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

So much has changed on Earth since I was last here. Apparently, the war ended very shortly after my departure through the doorway to heaven, the Stargate, I shall have to get use to calling it that now. With the success of the Atom Bomb (and I still can't believe that it was a success), there was no longer a need for the Stargate to be studied as a potential source for weapons. And those who had seen me disappear through it and never return weren't eager to fight the decision. I suppose that most of them thought like Catherine did, that I was dead. I missed a lot in 50 years. The formation of the United Nations of Earth, the Cold War, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Gulf War, the births, lives, and deaths of so many influential men and women, Elvis, the Beetles, Madonna, Woodstock, the Civil Rights movement, a scandal that discredited an American President, and so many new picture shows, the rise of international terrorism, more advances in medicine, and science and technology than I can count, the War on Drugs, archaeological discoveries far greater than any imagined before, new trends in literature and fashion that came and went without me even knowing about them, and something relatively new in comparison called the internet. Catherine and Dr. Jackson have tried to tell me about all the advances, but there are so many that is simply overwhelming.

I am glad to be home, but a small part of me misses Helioplois. It is sad that we can never go back. I think that Dr. Jackson is more upset by the matter than me, and I consider it my life's work. That is something that young Dr. Jackson knows nothing about. I had 50 years there and was nowhere close to understanding all of it, how he expected to figure out more than I had in such a short time, I'll never know. Then again, if what Catherine says about him is true, I have no doubt that he could have.

Dr. Jackson has told me many stories of the projects, both here and on other planets, that he has worked on. As often as he moves from one project to another, it's a wonder that poor boy's head doesn't explode with all the information, and an even bigger wonder that he gets anything accomplished. In my day, we stuck to one project until we had learned all we could about it, and then we moved on, we didn't change projects like we change our clothes.

I don't think I shall ever adjust to modern society. Catherine has promised to help me. She says that she can hardly keep up with all the changes herself because they come so fast. But at least she has gotten to witness every step in the process. I did not have the luxury of seeing records turn into cassettes and then into CDs, they just went straight to CDs for me. And Captain Carter tells me that the widespread use of something called MP3s is just on the horizon. I also did not have the luxury of seeing film turn into VHS then into DVDs, which according to Catherine have only been on the market a few months.

I should not bother to worry about such petty things. I should be enjoying the small things of life that I have missed so much during my time on Heliopolis, such as the simple pleasure of another's company. Catherine and I have had much catching up to do, and I am glad to say that she has agreed to marry me at last. It is too bad that I was never able to talk to her father about our interests in each other. Catherine said that notion has become outdated in today's society anyway. Apparently, the youth no longer have any respect for authority, just as those of different races are no longer treated as inferior, and women are no longer secondary to men. I have much to learn of Earth today. Perhaps I shall call Dr. Jackson and invite him over for tea. He reminds me so much of myself, I know that he will be more than happy to indulge me and put up with all of my silly questions. He said that I deserve whatever he can give me, after all, I am the Neil Armstrong of the Stargate Program. I am not sure what he meant by that. I shall have to ask Catherine who Neil Armstrong is. It seems to be something important that I should know, and would have known had I been on Earth. And I am sure that it will be some time before I understand all the references to things that I missed. But that's ok, because at least I'm home, and at least I have Catherine.

-Professor Earnest Littlefield


	11. Bloodlines

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

A Jaffa warrior must never admit his weaknesses. Indeed, he is to have none. And should one arise, he is to remove it immediately, or remove himself. It is death to show weakness. Family is a luxury that many warriors cannot afford for this very reason. Somehow, Drey'auc and I were always able to make it work. For all the years we were together, there was a mutual understanding and respect between us. That is why we were considered a valuable addition to the community on Chu'lak, and were held in such high regards within the city. It was not just Apophis's favor on me as his First Prime that made us leaders to our own people. When I betrayed Apophis, I also betrayed my wife. We were no longer seen as a loyal family unit to be admired. That is why she and my son were banished. They became the examples to other warriors of what would happen if they dared to have a family, and weakness within the family was revealed. She is right to be so angry with me.

My new symbiote is very young, and thus I will be forced to perform Kelnorim more often. It is a necessary consequence in order for me to stay healthy and alive. I feel its anger. I am not sure if it is angry at having to mature so quickly, or if it somehow senses that its brothers and sisters from the stasis unit it was taken from are now dead. It was with surprisingly little difficulty that Daniel Jackson admitted to this fact. He revealed it only in private, however, and did not mention it during the briefing. I take this to mean that the superiors on Earth, General Hammond in particular, would not be pleased by his action. I, however, cannot help but to approve of it. It is what the Goa'uld would have done if the roles were reversed. Why should Daniel Jackson be expected to behave any differently when they are the reason for his wife's current state? He is angry, and wanted to prevent the same tragedy from befalling others. I would have done the same if Drey'auc were a prisoner, and I had the chance to prevent others from being taken as she had been.

Those on this planet do not know the terror of Goa'uld warfare tactics, and thus I understand how they could not justify it by their standards. But an action such as this should not be judged by this planet's standards, only by the standards of the Goa'uld, the enemy they are trying to defeat. I could tell by the look on Captain Carter's face that she disagreed with the action, but she has been trained in the ways of Earth warfare, and has not seen the dark side of battle as I have, and as Colonel O'Neill has. But even he was conflicted over Daniel Jackson's choice. I did not voice my approval aloud, but I believe that he knows just the same. He is very intelligent when it comes to reading one's thoughts based on their expressions.

General Hammond has assured me that the revelation of the existence of my family will not endanger my role at the SGC. That is good. I will see my son again someday. I will make us a strong family again. I will not allow us to be disrespected as a failure forever. I will not allow anything to stand in my way of accomplishing this. That is my enduring promise for as long as I am alive.

-Teal'c


	12. Fire and Water

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Second post of the night just because I was so inspired. I'll be back to a more regular schedule tomorrow. **

**I realize that the order of the next few chapters is going to be slightly different from the way GW lists them, but I'm going in the order that they are on the DVD set. Sorry, if this confuses anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

So, I'm spending the night on base. Jack offered to let me stay at his place, but I turned him down. Told him that I had to catch up on my work. He looked like he wanted to argue with me, but at the end of it, he simply told me that he was glad I was alive, and to get some sleep. And believe me I want nothing more right now than to get some sleep. But I can't. I think I might actually be too tired to sleep. And I have a pretty big headache that won't go away even with everything that the doctors pumped into me.

General Hammond said that I could take as much down time as I needed, but I'm afraid that if I don't get back to work right away, I'll go crazy. I can't keep thinking about this, about everything. About Babylon, and how if Omaroca was on Earth then, then how many more aliens might have tried to visit Earth in the past to save us from the Goa'uld. About how many ships must have travelled to Earth after the Stargate was buried in Giza by the rebel uprising against Ra, at least one for Belos, and one for Omaroca, oh, and one for Thor. About how many other Goa'uld must have been here at some point, and about how if Belos was one, then there must have been more here than I even thought. About how Belos was defeated, and how that isn't in any recorded history that I've ever read. About what Nem's life expectancy is, and how to convert that to human life expectancy to figure out how long I could potentially be searching for Sha're only to find out that she's dead. Maybe to him 4000 years really isn't that long. I can hope. As much as I sympathize with him, I really do hope that I'm not looking for Sha're in vain, that I will find her before it's too late. And that if something more terrible than becoming a host does happen to her, that I'll find out about it sooner rather than later. Like Nem, I will search forever to find out her fate if I have to, but at the same time, I hope it doesn't take quite as long, and that I didn't just catch a glimpse into my possible future. It scares me to think that I did. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do, telling Nem that she was killed. I would never want to force someone to have to tell me that about Sha're. I didn't get a chance to ask Nem why he didn't come to Earth like Omaroca, but I suspect that if he could have, then he would have. Like I said, I'm thinking about everything tonight.

I wish that I had the time to do more research into this. But first thing's first. And tomorrow, I have phone calls to make. One to my land lord to find out if he rented my apartment out to someone else, or if I can have it back. One to the bank to convince them I'm not dead, and to unfreeze my account. One to Catherine to explain that the rumors of my demise were widely exaggerated. It's a good thing I've done this before. Funny how dying is so much easier than coming back to life. I just hope this is the last time. But knowing my record, it probably won't be.

Oh, crud, I hope they didn't alert Social Security yet. It took them a full month when I came back from Abydos to remove the dead owner flag from my social security number. That was a pain. I couldn't get paid, or open up a credit card or bank account. And I just now got Jack paid back from that time, so I can't ask him to loan me any more money. I guess I could ask Sam, and then work on paying her back for the next however long. Why can't I just be like Teal'c and have no use for Earth currency?

On the plus side, I might actually get away with not having to pay last month's bills if they all think I'm dead. Or it could be like it was when I returned from Abydos, and once they look me up in the system, and see the outstanding charges, they'll just add it in to my new bill. Stupid, stupid, stupid land lord that evicts me, and then turns on the air conditioner to full blast for a solid week before calling the utility company, making me responsible for a huge bill that he incurred as revenge of some kind. At least I won't have to worry about that this time. This land lord actually likes me, and this time I "died" to get out of my lease, and didn't stop paying rent because I couldn't afford it and food both. That really was a lifetime ago, and I've come so far since then. And I don't much like to look back on that time.

Anyway, I think this helped, even if it is a bit rambling and not as carefully written as I usually try to make my entries. I just needed to get this all down on paper. I'll probably look back on this after a few hours of sleep and cringe at how terrible my grammar is, and how incomplete my thoughts are, but I did what I had to do, and now, I think my mind is empty enough to get some of that much needed sleep.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	13. The Nox

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**This should be last chapter that is in a different order from GW to the DVD. Expect the rest of the episodes to be in the correct order.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I never thought that I could actually call something beautiful again. Then I met the Nox and witnessed what they could do, and I could only describe it as beautiful, the healing ceremony that is. I hated that the beauty had to be ruined by the fact that we all knew it left them open and vulnerable to attack. How someone could be so cruel as to take advantage of that, I'll never understand. But that's what war is. That's what evil is. The Goa'uld aren't the first people I've met that could be described that way, but it still sickens me. I guess when I stop feeling sick at it, then I'll know I've met my limit, gone too far, seen too much.

Man, I really hate politics. It's what drives every decision of the modern day Air Force, and yet, I can't accept it. If it wasn't for politics, then we never would have gone to the Nox planet in the first place, and never exposed their existence to Apophis. Teal'c would have never revealed his knowledge of the invisible beast if we weren't being pressured to provide some kind of substantial justification of the Stargate program expenditures in the form of weapons procured. Somehow, even Daniel has refrained from mentioning this point to the powers that be. We all know it, but because of politics we can't say anything about it. At least not to their faces. I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to play the game, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it right.

I'm glad the Nox buried their 'Gate after we left. They may have been able to trust us in the end, but SG-1 isn't exactly the best representation of the kinds of people that would come from Earth if there was any chance in getting them to ally with us against the Goa'uld. I'm sure they have the kind of power and ability to be a valuable asset in the war we find ourselves in, but they seem to love peace too much. I wish more societies on Earth were like that. It would help eliminate a lot of the problems here at home.

I will miss getting to know them better, but I can absolutely understand their point of view. After all Earth is very young in the galactic scheme of things and the very young do not always do what they are told. In other words, we have a lot to learn before we can ever hope to reach the level of advancement that the Nox have. That's something I can respect, something that we all have to accept.

Being killed and brought back to life has a way of making one more reflective than usual. And my reflections can't stop going back to how close we were to capturing Apophis and hopefully ending this whole mess, and then it slipped right through our fingers. And that makes me more determined than ever to win, and we will win. We have to win. For Skaara.

-Colonel J. O'Neill


	14. Hathor

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

When I accepted the post at Stargate command, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Of course, I was told that it would be "challenging," I just didn't know how challenging until I got here. Everything has been so different from what I was accustomed to, and I'm constantly having to adapt my thinking. This last incident was no exception. While I didn't have some astounding medical mystery to solve, I did have to think more like an Air Force Officer and less like a doctor. It was surprising how easily I remembered how to handle a weapon. Although, I'm glad that Captain Carter was around to take the lead, and I'm glad that Teal'c wasn't affected by Hathor's pheromone. Imagine having to fight past him to get to Hathor!

I'm still trying to puzzle out the exact side effects of the pheromone. The men on base are all experiencing some amnesia, however, the duration and extent of the amnesia varies greatly. Some of them are even starting to remember bits and pieces of what happened, but no one has remembered the full story. Captain Carter, Teal'c and I have advised the other women on base not to let the men know exactly how out of it they were. Colonel O'Neill has been able to piece together enough that I'm sure he has a complete picture in his mind, and Dr. Jackson knows enough to know that he doesn't want to know the rest.

Thankfully, all the injuries sustained, including my own, are very superficial, and everyone should be back to normal in a couple weeks. General Hammond has ordered that fresh O2 be pumped into all parts of the base as a precaution, but as far as I can tell all traces of the pheromone have dissipated. I'm studying what I can of the left over DNA from the "pool," but so far I haven't learned much. Dr. Jackson did warn me that it would be mostly his. It's almost like what I would expect find in mixed breeds of dogs. I wonder what the difference between a Jaffa based Goa'uld and a human based Goa'uld are, if there is even a difference.

I wish I could find something good that has come out of this incident. But I can't. The commendation medal is great, and Dr. Jackson has supposedly been able to expand on his theory about other Goa'uld that have visited Earth in the past, and the women on base have grown a little closer and more respectful of each other, we're planning a ladies night sometime soon, but there's still an emptiness, a hole that this incident has created in everyone. I think it's our vulnerability coming to light. It's things like this that just remind us to always be on our guard, and that applies to everyone. It's something to think about.

-Dr. Janet Fraiser


	15. CorAi

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

When I met Jack for the first time, I didn't think that anyone could have as dark a personality as he does. But Teal'c just proved me wrong. He has a really dark and depressive side to his personality that I didn't think was possible. He would call it being honorable and taking responsibility. I would call it a little foolish. Don't get me wrong. Taking responsibility, and admitting when you've made a mistake is great and all, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself, to say that yes, you messed up, but you've moved on, that you aren't that person anymore, or that you acted for the better good, that you did the wrong thing, but for the right reason.

I've never had that many friends before. But I consider Teal'c to be as good a friend as it gets. And I had no problem standing up for him at the trial when he refused to stand up for himself. I only wish that my arguments had been successful. In the end, only Teal'c could prove his own loyalty against the Goa'uld, and prove that he was a changed man. I don't think that I have ever been thankful for an attack by the Goa'uld against a human populated planet before this.

Coming back home posed a challenge all its own. Teal'c's been in Kelnorim ever since being released from the infirmary, and Jack's planning a team building party of sorts for this weekend. There's probably going to be beer and a cheesy movie that has absolutely nothing to do with Earth culture. Captain Carter told me what General Hammond and the President said about committing personnel to go rescue Teal'c, and while I do see their point of view, I can't help but wonder if things would have different if it was a Black Ops or a Navy Seal being held for crimes committed in some foreign country here on Earth. Sadly, based on some of the things Jack has told me, and some things that he won't tell me, I can almost imagine they would say the same thing and not even go after one of our own. But it would be for a different reason. If I could write a proposal on Teal'c's behalf that would include a step towards him becoming an American citizen, I wonder if it would make a difference. I know the citizenship test backwards and forwards, it would be no problem for me to teach him everything that he needs to know for it. I wonder if I could convince the President to even accept the plan. Could I even convince Teal'c of its necessity? Even if it wouldn't make a difference on decisions to come rescue him or not, I sure it could come in handy for something.

Actually, none of that has to be solved tonight. Tonight, all that has to be solved is how much soap it's going to take to get the finger paint off of Teal'c's face and chest. I never could quite wrap my mind around the significance of the markings anyway. I'm sure that I'm missing an important Latin or Greek cultural reference, but it's not that critical right now anyway. I should go find Captain Carter and see if we can knock out one or two of our ongoing studies before Jack finds out that we're still at work.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	16. Singularity

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

Once Cassandra started to open up and trust us, it was surprisingly easy to talk to her and get her to talk back. She's actually quite intelligent for her age. We got to take her out of the mountain for the first time today, well not counting the side trip to the nuclear facility. We took her to the park, and tried to teach her all the Earth things we could that she might encounter and need to know about. I'm sure that we didn't catch everything and that eventually something's going to happen that she should have known about even if she is pretending to be from Canada. They aren't that different from the U.S. after all. She moves in with Dr. Fraiser tomorrow, and should start school next week. That was fun telling her about. She understands why she can't live with me, that I'm not around enough to take care of a little girl, but what she doesn't understand is why we can't have school for her at the SGC. She says that she would learn a lot more there, and she's right. Between Daniel and I, there's someone qualified to teach almost every subject she could ever want to know about. But she doesn't need to stay locked up in a mountain all day where so many things could go wrong. She deserves to be outside, to be with people her own age, and have as normal a life as she can, it's been so difficult for her already, she shouldn't have to suffer any more difficulties.

I hope that Colonel O'Neill got permission from Dr. Fraiser before buying Cassandra that dog. After all, she's probably going to be the one to have to take care of it most of the time, at least until Cassandra gets a little older and can do it herself. She's already named him Hanka in honor of her home planet. But she knows not to tell anyone that's why she chose that name.

I'll never tell anyone, but I really didn't know, or even have an instinct that Cassandra wouldn't explode. I told everyone that I did so I could save a little face as an Air Force Officer. I would have been totally discredited if everyone knew that I defied logic and orders without a good reason. So, I let them believe that I really did have a hunch, when in fact the only thing I was feeling was guilt over leaving a little girl to die alone. I would hope that if I was in her place that someone would have stayed behind with me, even if they knew that it would mean certain death for them. No one should die alone. When she asked if she was going to die, and I lied to her without a second thought, I knew then that I had made the right choice. We were stupid if we ever thought that she didn't know what was going on. We couldn't just talk about her with her in the room and not expect something to filter through to her. She knew exactly what was happening. Of course, my brother's kids are the same way. They know everything that's going on all the time, even when you think they're too young to understand, or not paying attention, they are, they hear it all, and understand it all. Kids are the smartest people on any planet.

I've promised Cassandra to always be her friend and never leave her alone, and I intend to hold to that promise. Dr. Fraiser and I have already worked it out that I can come visit as often as possible just to hang out, and play, or talk, or whatever. Maybe I'll teach her how to play chess. And I hope to have the same agreement if we ever find another home for Cassandra. I certainly hope we do anyway, since I already promised her that I would. But somehow I don't think that we will find another home. There aren't very many families out there where both parents have the proper security clearance, and they don't have any other kids that could possibly stumble across the secret some day. But that's ok, I think that Dr. Fraiser is a good match for Cassandra. They'll be good for each other. Dr. Fraiser needs someone to look after to keep her from stewing over her ex-husband too much. She would never admit that to anyone, but I have a feeling that it's true, and it's why she agreed to keep Cassandra.

Tomorrow's another day, and we'll be on yet another planet, and life will keep going on for goodness only knows how long. But now there's just a little more hope in the world, thanks to a little girl named Cassandra.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	17. Enigma

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

There's someone else in the government who hates me now. Colonel Maybourne, NID. I haven't made very many friends since joining the SGC. Even the President has proven to not always agree with my perspective. I get it, I really do, he has a job to do. His first priority is the safety Earth, but at what cost? Apparently, it really irks military men when a civilian gets involved in certain matters, and does what the Air Force can't. Doesn't matter if it's right by every moral stand in every culture, if goes against what they perceive as right, as the only way to do something, then it's wrong.

Yes, the Tollan were fairly secretive, and stuck up, for lack of a better term. But if our roles had been reversed, would we have done any better? Would we have been willing to trust an alien race with all of our technology right away? I don't think we would have. I think we would have wanted to wait, to build a mutual trust with them first. Maybe that's what Omac was trying to do in his own way. Maybe he just seemed stuffy and uptight because that's his personality. Hey, even Jack could be considered crass and disrespectful by those who don't know him. Sam said that Narim told her that the last time they shared their technology with another race, they destroyed themselves, and started a chain of events that eventually led to the destruction of Tollan that we witnessed. Would we be so willing to trust again if that happened to us? Bottom line, I believe the Tollan are just misunderstood, and if circumstances were better, we could work to get to know them better. Narim and Sam took the first steps to that end. So, no, I don't regret what I did in sending them to the Nox.

I knew a girl when I was in foster care who read a book series by Madeliene L'Engle. It started with a book named _A Wrinkle in Time_. I think is what Omac was talking about that night on the mountain, I just wish I understood more about physics. Maybe there's a good reason why he doesn't trust us. We are young in comparison. But some of us at least are willing to learn. I hate thinking that the few of us who aren't willing to learn are holding the entire program, the entire planet back.

I think I'm going to get Sam a new cat. Maybe. I know that she says she was going to give Schroedinger away anyway because she was never home to take care of him, but I also know that she misses him. Besides, Cassandra likes cats almost as much as she likes dogs, and I know that she's going to miss Auntie Sam's kitty.

Well, I should go get ready. I still have to answer for my actions in helping the refugees "escape." No regrets, but I'll apologize anyway. It won't help Sha're if I get kicked out of the Stargate program.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	18. Tin Man

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

Comtraya! Yeah, nope, doesn't look any better in writing than it does when Harlan says it. So, I figured that the only way to get Daniel to shut up about the importance of keeping a written record of what we were doing here, was to simply just do it. Can you believe that even now that the little geek's a robot, he still insists in keeping a journal? And here I thought I was done with having to write every little thing down, no more mission reports and all that. Yeah, not missing those. Funny thing is that Carter agrees with Daniel. She said that the journals would be a good way to keep track of how often certain equipment failures occur, and that if ever there was some kind of catastrophic disaster that we couldn't fix right away, then it would be good to have a manual of sorts to refer to for help. The wonder twins even have Harlan keeping one of these things.

This is kind of cool actually. I just noticed how much faster I can write now. And I'm not making nearly as many spelling and grammatical errors as I usually do. Daniel and I had a foot race today from section 2 to section 4. I won, but he's getting closer to beating me every day. One of these days, I'll have him in shape. Being a robot can only help, right?

So, yeah, this is not what I pictured retirement to be like. There's no fishing here. Carter and I have been trading off crossword puzzle challenges. Since we have to write our own puzzles, mine are always easier than hers, and so she always wins. But that's ok. It passes the time. I let Harlan finish creating robot Teal'c. I kind of missed having the big guy around. Besides, the team wouldn't be complete without him. I have got to find something else to do to keep from going insane. I'm sure there's got to be more to existence than just sitting around, writing in journals, and waiting for the next equipment malfunction. When you live for 11,000 years, there's got to be something more. Yep, got to be something more. Maybe we could teach Harlan how to dance the robot. Might be good for a laugh at the very least. Or better, I wonder if I could convince Carter and Daniel and Teal'c that we should be out in the field fighting the Goa'uld. After all, if we're "better" we might as well put it to good use, fighting the intergalactic bad guys.

And there's that pesky alarm again. I have got to find out if this computer has a different voice, something sexy, and maybe the alarm could be musical instead of blaring. I'm putting Carter on that first thing after we fix this latest problem. A robot's work is never done.

-Jack O'Neill, better, stronger, faster


	19. Solitudes

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I just slept for the past 17 hours, and it feels wonderful. I don't remember anything after seeing General Hammond on the ice planet...Antarctica until I woke up back at the SGC. The Colonel's in the bed next to mine still sleeping. But that's ok, he has a lot more to recover from. I don't think he'll remember anything from our last couple hours in Antarctica, but just in case, I've already decided to let him think that he was hallucinating when I let him think that I was Sara. There's no point in letting him know that I know how close to the edge he got. I respect him too much for that.

According to the nurses, Daniel and Teal'c have taken turns sitting with us while we slept. They didn't leave us alone for a minute. Daniel's the one in here right now. He moved his chair over by the Colonel's bed after he caught me up on everything. I'm still in awe that we were on Earth the entire time. How could I have missed that? Daniel admitted that he would have missed it too if he hadn't seen the lights come on on the Stargate here and felt the shaking. He said that if I had been here, I probably would have figured it out a lot sooner than he did. Somehow, I doubt that. If it didn't come to me with adrenaline and survival instinct running through my veins, there's no way I would have thought of it in time under normal circumstances. Daniel reminded me that I was also cold at the time and that he had slept more than I had, and thus my thought processes were slower.

I never thought I would have to put my survival training to use, most people in the military don't. Now I understand what people mean when they say that it's nothing to be proud of. Yes, it means that you lived through impossible circumstances, but it also means that you had to go through it in the first place. It's not a badge of honor to be proudly worn, but a missing piece of your soul, because you know what true survival is.

This was the Colonel's second time (that I know of) going through it. But honestly, I gotta say, this time was probably better than the first time for him. At least this time he had company, and this time there was a rescue mission launched. When he wakes up, I know that he'll tell me he's proud of me. Maybe not in so many words, but I'll be able to tell that's what he means. But I don't deserve it. I couldn't have done anything without him there to support me and encourage me. I could never have done what he did in the 80s. Nine days in the Middle East, alone. He's the one I'm proud of. I just barely scrapped by on my training and the only reason I didn't give up was because he wouldn't let me. I guess that's what a CO is supposed to do, right? But with the Colonel it just seems like it's a little…more than simply his duty.

Ugh…guess I shouldn't have tried to move that way. The nurse said I had some mild frost bite and that I would be pretty sore from the extra strain my muscles were under, but I didn't believe her. I just had to try to sit up a little more. Using a laptop in bed is always a little tricky. Oh, well, I just won't move any more. The Colonel's waking up, I should go so I can talk to him. I'll write more later.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	20. There But For the Grace of God

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I traveled to an alternate reality today. I saw what could and very likely will happen to us if we continue on the path that we're on now. It's not a pretty sight. I didn't have time to track all of the differences between our missions and those of the alternate SG-1, but I'm sure there weren't enough to cause a significant delay in the timing of the Goa'uld's attack on Earth. They are coming. And soon. The only difference between us and them is that we have a little more advance notice and we know where they're coming from, so we have a chance to stop it before it starts if it hasn't already.

I know that I'm going to have a hard time convincing anyone of what I saw. After all, it does sound kind of absurd and ridiculous. I can already hear some of the excuses I'll have to answer. Alternate realities just don't exist in practicality. And even if they did, there's no way you were able to get to one by staring into a mirror. It was a hallucination you had after being knocked unconscious when you touched a power source you weren't supposed to. Yeah, I've heard it all before with the whole pyramids as landing pads thing. But how do explain why Jack, Sam, and Teal'c couldn't find me for so long? Or how I ended up with a staff blast, and a 'Gate address scribbled onto a yellow piece of notepad paper clutched in my hand? I promise, it was real. All too real.

I don't mind admitting, I'm a little scared. What happens if no one does believe me? What happens when Earth gets attacked unaware just like it did in the other reality? Jack, Sam, and Teal'c will believe me, at least I hope they do. I only wish I had more convincing evidence like a video. Or knowing what alternative decisions led Jack to be a general and Hammond to be a colonel or Teal'c to have hair, or Sam to not join the Air Force. I guess it's easier to prove that you're from an alternate reality than it is to prove that you've been to one.

If I ever doubted the impact that I've had on the Stargate program, I don't now. Sure they were able to solve the cartouche without me, and go on the first mission to Abydos, and figure out planetary drift and all the basics, but they never learned to speak Abydonian, and they never went to Chulak because I wasn't there to convince them that Sha're needed to be rescued. I don't know why Jack didn't fight harder for Skaara…then again, I don't even know that Skaara was taken…all I know is that they didn't go to Chulak. Maybe without me there, Abydos kept their 'Gate buried, and Apophasis never came through. Maybe in that alternate reality, Sha're is still herself. So, maybe I've only had a negative impact in this reality by joining the Stargate program. Without me, Sha're would still be ok. But I never got to meet her in the alternate reality, so I wouldn't have known what I was missing. And the mission to Chulak is where we met Teal'c and that could have been one of the mitigating factors that has led to a delay in the attack against Earth. And as alternate Catherine pointed out, I was the one to go through the declassified files from the Pentagon and discover that Ernest was still alive so they could be reunited. So, maybe my impact wasn't all bad after all.

I feel kind of dizzy, almost sick, thinking about all this alternate reality stuff. Alternate Sam said that there were an infinite number of dimensions or possibilities or alternate realities or whatever. I don't have the time to think about all of it now, it's kind of overwhelming actually. But what I do know is that if an attack can happen in one reality, then it can happen in another, and we don't need to waste time arguing about theoretical alternatives. We need to focus on the possibility of a repeat, the inevitability of war and destruction. I just hope we stumbled upon the intel that got us to this point in time. And now I sound like Jack. So, it may be time to let these pain killers do their work and go to sleep. I just hope they believe me.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	21. Politics

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**Next chapter will start Season 2 and will cover the two part episode "Within the Serpent's Grasp" and "The Serpent's Lair". **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

Dear Journal,

This is one time, among many, that I do not agree with the orders of my superiors, and if there was a way to stop it, I would. The Stargate program and Earth's role in this galaxy are far too important to quit now and close up shop. In this life there are facts, and we use these facts to design set ways of doing things and responding to things. I've never been one to strictly like rules and organization. It's all there for a reason, and I respect that. But there are times when facts determine it better to make an exception to traditional rules than to face the consequences of following a set order. Sometimes lines blur, and it's next to impossible to distinguish what actions will bring about the least negative. Let's put this into real world terms. Fact number one, the Stargate program costs a lot of money, more money than we can earn with bake sales and car washes and door to door Christmas card sales. I get that. That's not debatable. What is debatable is if it's worth it.

Fact number two, we have learned a lot from the Stargate program. Daniel's learned his cultural stuff, and Carter's learned her science stuff, and Frasier's learned her medicine stuff, and the list could go on and on. But I don't care about all of that. What I do care about is fact number three, there is an enemy out there, and enemy's name is the Goa'uld. I care about the evil that I've seen, and they are evil in every sense of the word. I care about the weapons that they possess, weapons that are far beyond anything that Earth has even imagined. The Goa'uld far out rank us in the level of technology and in numbers, if everything Teal'c's said is true, and I believe it is. I care about the people out there that are being enslaved by the Goa'uld. I care about finding Skaara. I care about finding allies to help us beat these bad guys. We haven't found any yet that are sticking around. But eventually we've got to find one that will help us grow up instead of simply telling us we're too little or too young for them to bother with.

Fact number four, a direct attack on the whole of Earth by the Goa'uld is imminent. I still don't believe Daniel's little day dream or whatever alternate reality thing, but I don't need a fortune teller to tell me what's coming. We've made the Goa'uld mad. We killed one of them for crying out loud. And when they killed us, we came back to life. No self respecting bad guy is going to stand for that without planning some kind of retaliation. That's just not how things work. We've shown our power, and now it's time for them to show their power. And shutting the lid on Pandora's box won't keep the unleashed demons from trying to destroy Pandora for opening it in the first place. And these demons have ways of torturing Pandora that she never anticipated, and Pandora has nothing to use to fight against them. How's that for an analogy?

Fact number five, the war hasn't ended yet. Anybody can still win if we make the right choices. Right now, we, meaning Kinsey speaking on behalf of the entire planet Earth, have decided to shut down the Stargate program. Ok, so we're not open to disease and alien invasion via the 'Gate, but we are open to invasion, destruction, and biological warfare via ships in the sky. And without the 'Gate at our disposal, we have no way of bringing anything back to defend ourselves, no way of launching a preemptive attack, or an attack of retaliation, no way of escape or evacuation.

Fact number six, we've impacted the galaxy too much to stop now. We started this war, and we need to see it through to the end. We've helped people learn the truth about the Goa'uld. We've helped cure disease on other planets, and we've been used by the Goa'uld to spread disease on others. We've helped close off some planets from the Goa'uld, and we've opened others up for attack. We've had both positive and negative impacts in the galaxy, but either way we're in too deep to pull out. Like it or not, we are part of this galaxy, and that is a responsibility that I for one am not willing to give up. Nor am I willing to doom the people of Earth to death or enslavement because it's too expensive to keep fighting. War has never been something we'll stop just to keep from growing the national debt. America has a history of cutting corners everywhere they can except for war. And this war is a cause that no human, at least no human with a heart, could argue against.

-Colonel J. O'Neill


	22. S 1 and 2: Serpent's GraspLair

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I'm trying something different this month, and watching several episodes at a time before starting to post journal entries. I've already watched through episode nine, so, expect several entries over the next few days. At the end of this month, I'll decide which way I liked writing better, and use it for season three. If any readers have suggestions on how you'd like to see posts come out (one at a time, or several at once), then please let me know that as well, and it will influnce how I do it next month. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I'm still alive, again, when I shouldn't be. I've been nearly killed more times than I thought possible, and each time, there's always been a sarcophagus, or a Nox family, or something, nearby to save me. I thought that this time I was really ready to go if it came down to it. I had served my purpose, saved Earth from attack, and watched my team's back as they escaped. I had prevented my nightmare from coming true a second time. I had seen Skaara able to fight against the Goa'uld that invaded him and it gave me hope that Sha're would be able to do the same thing if she was given the chance. I would die fighting against the evil beings who only know how to capture, kill, and enslave, and who hold my wife as a prisoner inside her own body, a host to one of the evil beings who could not survive without her. I guess I haven't served my purpose after all, there must be more to come, and my role in it must be important if I've been allowed to continue surviving after being so close to the edge so many times. I can only hope that purpose includes me seeing my wife as herself again someday.

It's been interesting to watch the news coverage of the brilliant flash in the night sky. There's a lot of speculation over what it could be, and NASA's offering the cover story that it was an unexpectedly close encounter with a meteor, which thankfully burned up in Earth's atmosphere. Little do the people of Earth know that it was actually a close encounter of a different kind. Hopefully, one that will never happen again. The SGC has officially classified Apophis and Klorel as assumed dead, I can only imagine that they are. They couldn't have known what was coming, so they would have had no reason to evacuate. Bra'tac isn't so sure. He said that they've survived worse. Teal'c is being kind of quiet on the subject. But that's nothing unusual. I hate to think of Skaara as dead, but I know that it's what he would have wanted. He would have rather been dead than to continue to be a part in the destruction of other worlds, either by war or by slavery. I know that I'm going to have to eventually tell Kasuf of his son, and I do not look forward to it, but he's family.

I don't know how anyone can argue to keep the Stargate Program shut down after this little saving the planet from destruction adventure. There's sure to be lots of meetings in the near future to discuss it. All I know is that the program will probably change after this. I don't know how for sure, just that it has to change. Oh, good news, Jack and Sam aren't being court marshaled, quite the opposite actually. General Hammond is recommending to the President that they receive some kind of military honor medals or something. Teal'c and I obviously aren't eligible for that sort of thing, but I didn't do what I did for a medal. Neither did Jack or Sam, but that's the way the military operates. Guess I should get some sleep. Tomorrow's a new day, and we should have a mission sometime very soon that I'll have to start preparing for. The job's never over, not as long as there's still a threat out there, no matter how small or large it may be. And not as long as there are still planets out there where humans are enslaved, and held captive by an enemy pretending to be a god.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	23. Season Two: In the Line of Duty

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

****I'm trying something different this month, and watching several episodes at a time before starting to post journal entries. I've already watched through episode nine, so, expect several entries over the next few days. At the end of this month, I'll decide which way I liked writing better, and use it for season three. If any readers have suggestions on how you'd like to see posts come out (one at a time, or several at once), then please let me know that as well, and it will influnce how I do it next month. ****

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

Perhaps, I should say, "Dear Samantha," but that would not blend into the other writings in this book as easily. In the event that I do not survive my time with you, I wish to apologize now, rather than wait. I am using a few stolen moments of quite time before my presence here is discovered to explain myself, and I do hope that you are able to read this someday. The plan was for me to try to leave your friends as soon as we exited the Stargate on the mission we are due to embark on in a few short minutes. From there I would proceed to the Tok'ra home world to report my findings, and as soon as a willing host was found, I would leave you, and you would be allowed to return. But the closer it gets to time for your mission with no sign of the one called O'Neill, the more I fear, I will be discovered, and not be allowed to leave. Thus, I have started this letter.

First, if this ends the way that I fear it will, just know that there is hope. Do not despair over my loss. I am sure that you will miss me for a time, but as I was not with you for long, you can survive it. Cling to those who love you and care for you. They will be your friends until you can emerge from the shadow of depression that my death has left you with. Now is the time for me to also beg that you pass my apologies along to the one known as Cassandra. From your memories, I did not know that she would possess the marker capable of detecting the presence of the Goa'uld. I did not mean to scare her, and the threat I made to her was for her own protection. I did not want her to accidently reveal me to the Ashrak.

Know that I am but one of a small, but mighty sect of the Goa'uld known as the Tok'ra. There are others of my kind out there, and if what I have learned about the Tau'ri from your mind is true, then you will surely encounter others, including my dear friend Lantash. His host's name is Martouf, and you may find it easier to converse with him instead. You can trust him.

I would like to apologize for taking you the way that I did. That goes against everything that I as a Tok'ra stand for, but I did it out of the need to survive and get the valuable information that I carry back to my people. I fear now that my efforts were in vain. Your people know that you are not yourself, and they will most likely not trust me to return you to them. This I know, but I still hope to try and persuade them. The Jaffa has surely heard of the Tok'ra and the one called Daniel should listen to reason. I will try to convince them to release us, Samantha, but if it comes to it, and the Ashrak discovers us, I promise you, that I will die first, and if it be in my power to save you, I shall. You did not enter this relationship willingly, and thus, I cannot justify taking you with me.

You will be different if this happens, changed, but it is only for the better. You may not see it this way at first, but in time you will. I will not elaborate, as it is hard to explain with words, but you will see what I mean. Do not be afraid of the changes, welcome them, and learn to control them. It will be a great benefit to all. I will try hard not to leave much of my memories, but it is impossible to keep them all from you. Thus, you may experience nightmares from time to time, and I apologize for this. Just remember, they are from me, and not from yourself. You will get use to it in time, I promise, and Lantash, Martouf, should you ever meet him, will be glad to assist you if you allow him to do so. I wish I had time to write you more, but my time as a free agent is limited. Your people will find me soon and arrest me, I suspect. Good luck, Samantha. From what I know of you, I would consider you my friend.

-Jolinar of Malkshur


	24. Prisoners

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alrets. Your comments really do mean a lot to me, so keep them coming. Even if you don't like the story, let me know why not, and if I can do something better or if there are any mistakes, please let me know so I can fix it. Also, if you are reading from GW, but don't have a Fanfic account, I do accept anonymous reviews, and you can also PM me or leave me a note on my GW profile page. I am really excited about this fic and I hope all of you are too, so let me know.**

**I'm trying something different this month, and watching several episodes at a time before starting to post journal entries. I've already watched through episode nine, so, expect several entries over the next few days. At the end of this month, I'll decide which way I liked writing better, and use it for season three. If any readers have suggestions on how you'd like to see posts come out (one at a time, or several at once), then please let me know that as well, and it will influnce how I do it next month. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it or profit from it. I just like to borrow the characters and play with them.**

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><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I made a mistake. I trusted someone that I shouldn't have. And it almost destroyed the base, would have destroyed the base if Linea hadn't decided to spare us in exchange for freeing her. I know that Carter blames herself, since she's the one who made the initial assessment and showed her the computers, but I was the one in charge, so the blame lies solely with me. I could have overruled her assessment on Hades…or whatever it was…Hadante if I had wanted to, but I guess I was just a bit too eager to get out of prison, and that was our only viable option at the time. Since, sadly, I had left my "get out of jail free" card at home. I could have insisted that we keep Linea in an iso room upon our return, but instead I accepted her as a minimal risk, and didn't speak up when Carter requested to show her the computers, or when General Hammond granted her request. I can't even use the excuse of being poisoned into compliance this time. Cause let's face it, she's an old, wrinkled woman, not young and hot like the object of our last encounter with a female enemy, Hathor. So, it is that the destroyer of worlds has been unleashed on the universe. One more huge mistake to add to an ever growing list. And more fodder if the politicians ever consider shutting us down again.

On the plus side, I hear that General Hammond made his first official voyage through the Stargate to try and get us released. The Tall Dorks…Taldors wouldn't hear of it though. Man, I am glad we don't have that kind of justice on Earth. I'd have several life sentences if we did. I don't think continued relations with these guys are worth it, but that's not my call, and after they find out we took Linea with us, they might not be so open to it either.

The other bright side of this whole mess was Danny winning a fight, but somehow, I don't think he did that entirely on his own either. I suspect that a certain world trasher…destroyer of worlds, whatever, had something to do with it. I'm glad she helped out. I would have missed the dorky space monkey if he had lost to that Wisher…Vishnoor guy.

Remind me never to complain about MREs again. Anything is better than that pasty grey mud they call food on Hadante. It really didn't taste terrible, but it wasn't good either, certainly no Argosian wedding cake, and I hate to think about what was in it. Teal'c has no room to talk though, thanks to Junior, he didn't have to eat like the rest of us did.

I wish Carter would shut up about that stupid cold fusion plant thing. How am I going to explain letting that kind of technology slip through our fingers? The old planet demolition lady took it with her when she turned on the base's self destruct program and locked everyone else out of the system. Yeah, right, that excuse will never work.

- Colonel J. O'Neill


	25. The Gamekeeper

Author's Note: First, my deepest apologies for putting this story on hiatus for so long. I had some real life stuff get in the way, and then lost my muse for awhile. If any of my original readers are still around, I really hope that you enjoy my next few installments as much as the first ones. To new readers, leave me a note and let me know what you think, and I promise to keep the story going a little longer this time and will finish it eventually!

Disclaimer: Stargate does not belong to me, I just like to use the characters' psychologies to expand on the amazing stories that were created by a group of geniuses over 10+ years of what is possibly the greatest sci-fi show ever written.

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><p>The Gamekeeper<p>

Dear Journal,

There is a curious thing about the Tau'ri that I have come to learn of in the time I have been among them. They live with their regrets. They constantly question if they have done the right thing, and if circumstances would have changed if their actions had been different in a given situation. Knowing this, I do not understand why Colonel O'Neill did not wish to try to save his fallen comrade in the "game" we recently encountered. Even knowing it was not real, at least he could have trained himself to know how to succeed in a similar situation in the future. He has mentioned that Tau'ri battles are always unique, and one battle cannot predict the outcome of another, as opposed to the Jaffa's more uniform fighting styles. But I think that this has little to do with the decision he ultimately made to do nothing. Perhaps he was afraid to try because if he did manage to change history within the "game", it would only lead him to further regret that he had not been able to prevent the tragedy in the first place.

What Daniel Jackson saw within the "game" has troubled him greatly as well. He has yet to directly mention it, but even I can guess at the tragic way in which his parents were killed in front of him. I wish to help him fight off this demon from his past. However, when I asked Samantha Carter for more information to assist me in my quest, she told me to leave it alone. I was troubled by this Tau'ri expression, and still do not fully understand its meaning. I took it to mean that I should not question her further, but I ignored that instinct and once more asked her what I could do to help Daniel Jackson overcome his past. She plainly stated this time that if Daniel Jackson had wanted us to know about that part of his past, and receive our help in any way, he would have told everyone long before now. The fact that he has remained silent on his parents' death until this last mission means that he is coping with the incident the best way in which he knows. She advises that I simply continue to be Daniel Jackson's friend and let him know that I am always willing to be there for him. This is another phrase of which I am just coming to realize the meaning. I initially took it to mean that I should stand in one place called "there" until he releases me from that spot. But now I understand that it simply means to let him know I am available to help him any time he decides he is willing to receive it. I will listen to him talk about the incident, and provide advice if I am asked for it. That is being there for him.

The question of why there were four empty chambers on the planet in the first place was solved when Samantha Carter explained that she suspects these chambers had malfunctioned at some point. The occupants would have died and the keeper would have disposed of the bodies. He would have later repaired them hoping that someday he would find visitors from whom to extract more experiences. The keeper's only way to maintain control over the population of residents was to continually promise them that new entertainment would someday soon arrive. What he did not anticipate was that his entertainment would not be willing to participate and be used in such a manner.

Colonel O'Neill suggested a team movie night to help us all recover emotionally from this difficult time, and to bond as a cohesive unit. I have chosen the movie of "Star Wars" for us to watch. I am told that it is very entertaining and contains much more common sense than O'Neill's favorite program, "The Simpsons". One airman advised me that "Star Wars" is the original "Galaxy Quest" and far less cheesy. Although, I am uncertain what that means as when I viewed "Galaxy Quest" I did not find that it contained any dairy products, much less an excess of cheese. I am looking forward to movie night and "Star Wars" now. I agree that it is what is needed to get the team back on track after a difficult mission.

-Teal'c


	26. Need

Need

Dear Journal,

I made Jack tell me everything. And now I wish that I hadn't. He said that I was out living like a king, feasting, and napping all day while he and Sam and Teal'c were killing themselves in the mine. I hate myself for that. How could I have done that to them? They're my friends. And I don't even really remember doing it either. The only theory, the only reasoning that I can offer up is that for a little while at least, every time I went into the sarcophagus, I could forget. Not just forget what I was doing in the moment. Not just forget that I had abandoned my friends to a life of slavery in favor of my life of luxury. Not just forget that I was lying to a beautiful, lonely, pained woman for the sole purpose of leading her on until she let me and the others go, with no intention of ever returning to her. Not just forget that by doing so, I wasn't only hurting her, I wasn't only hurting myself, I was also hurting the memory of Sha're. I was betraying my wife, my one and only true love. It wasn't just those things that I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the past as well.

Ever since we came home from P7J-989, the Gamekeepr's planet as Jack calls it since he never can remember official designations, I've been having nightmares. Not the same nightmares I had as a child when every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was the fallen temple display and the men working to dig my parents out before it was too late. Not the nightmares I had as a teenager of their mangled bodies being wheeled past me on stretchers, my dad's body being loaded into a black bag on the scene, and my mom being rushed away on an ambulance. Not the nightmares I had in college of a double closed casket funeral, their pale faces staring back at me from picture frames atop the simple wooden boxes just before they were lowered into the ground never to be returned to me. No, these nightmares aren't even the ones I have of the look on my grandfather's face as he drove away after the funeral leaving me to the care of the state. I could go on for ten pages about the countless times I've woken in the middle of the night in a cold sweat wishing things had been different. But the nightmares I have now, ever since P7J-989 are of me trying to save them, trying to talk them into coming out, or pulling them out by force. Sometimes in the dreams, I'm still there when the cover stone drops and I die alongside them. That's what I wanted to forget the most when I went into the sarcophagus.

I could make up all these excuses about how Shyla was my Delilah. About how she used her beauty to persuade me to give in to her every desire. About how she convinced me to go back into the sarcophagus when I was already healed. About how she kept delaying my requests to free the others until I nearly forgot about them altogether. About how she eventually convinced me to marry her with the promise to let us all return home for a short time first. It is almost like she had talked me into revealing the secret of my strength and then cutting my hair off while I was asleep to steal that strength from me. She got me addicted to that machine knowing all the terrible aftereffects it would have on my body physically and mentally and emotionally. She had seen it happen to her father. She knew that getting me addicted, knew that cutting off my hair would hurt me, but she did it anyway to suit her own ends. I could indeed call her Delilah, but I'm not going to.

Truth is, I care too much about her to blame her for everything. I chose to keep getting back inside that machine even after Sam warned me of the dangers. Turns out that Jolinar left behind a few useful things in Sam's mind after all. Like the ability to sense symbiotes, or the occasional helpful memory. She still can't explain how she knew, just that her subconscious was telling her it was dangerous. I suppose that's a puzzle that we never will solve.

The one thing that I do remember about the past week is the withdrawal. I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I imagine that this was just as bad if not worse than coming down from a heroin high. The only difference is that after you give up drugs or alcohol, a small part of you still craves that feeling. I won't lie, I did like forgetting for a little while, but I have absolutely no desire to ever use a sarcophagus again. Not even if I'm on the brink of death and that's the only way to save my life. It's going to be a very hard day before you'll ever drag me into of those things again. General Hammond suggested that I go to one of those anonymous addiction programs in case the withdrawal, depression or cravings ever do come up. I'm not going to do it. I really don't see it being a problem. But if it is, I know I still have three really good friends to get me through the mess.

I'm only really left with one regret. And that's Sha're. Sam's the one who reminded of it. Sure, I'd thought about it, but I'd pushed it aside. Her direct address of it really sent me into tailspin. She's tried to apologize, but I won't let her. Right now my mind is filled with one question, and one question only: If we ever find Sha're, will she forgive me for kissing Shyla, for telling her that I would marry her although it was only a lie? I may never really know the answer to that. I haven't given up hope of finding her, I know that much, but every day that hope grows smaller and smaller and less consuming. If we do find her, and she forgives me, I'll still never be able to forgive myself for forsaking her even if I didn't fully mean it. I may want to forget the pain of losing my parents, but I never want to forget Sha're.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson


	27. Thor's Chariot

Thor's Chariot

Dear Journal,

I'm amazed every day in this job. I'm always learning more about the universe in general, the people in it, the technology that it possesses, and even about Earth's own history. Who would have ever thought that I could enjoy anything as much as theoretical physics? But I'm finding that there're very few things that I don't enjoy discovering during our travels. The latest discovery to add to my repertoire of knowledge: The Roswell Greys are not a myth! But that's not even the biggest news.

As it turns out, Jolinar left behind more than just the occasional dream that I can access seemingly at random with no real purpose. She left behind more than just that odd butterflies kind of feeling that I get around Teal'c and other jaffa and the punch in the gut kind of feeling I get around adult Goa'uld. She left behind the ability for me to use the same kind of Goa'uld tech that before we thought was impossible for a non-symbiote to successfully control. I did it just the one time. With the ribbon device. And just for a second, but it was a powerful enough blast to make a pretty impressive hole in the ground where it hit.

Gairwyn graciously allowed to bring back some of Kendra's belongings including the ribbon device and the healing device we witnessed her using before. We locked them up in the lab for further study along with a half dozen or so other items that we've collected over the past year. I know that eventually I will have to try to use the devices again, train myself on them. It's the only way we'll be able to successfully study them and either recreate them so a normal human can operate them or use them in our defenses. But to be completely honest, I'm a little terrified of even trying to use the ribbon device again. I fear what could possibly happen if I do it wrong. Or if I do it right and it's pointed in the wrong direction. I know it's the only way we're going to learn and that eventually that thirst for knowledge or the orders I receive from up the chain are going to outweigh that fear and I'll be forced to work on them. It's nothing I can't handle. I've done worse before. Worked with more dangerous elements including the raw naquadah we brought back from P3R-636, sorry, Terella. Again, however, I don't even think this was the biggest news from our latest mission.

The biggest news is what we've left mostly unspoken. We hinted at it, and plainly stated it in question form, even Thor accused us of it. This was our fault. We never would have had to go on this mission in the first place if we hadn't botched up the last one. If we hadn't destroyed Cimmeria's only means of protection, so many lost would still be alive now. Kendra would still be alive. Maybe she could have even taught me to use the healing device so I can avoid all the trial and error with it that I know will come. I know that we had no other options the first time, but we should have done more to protect them after leaving them defenseless.

Perhaps the hardest lesson someone in the military has to learn is that of acceptable losses. Sometimes the few have to die to protect the majority. It's inevitable, albeit difficult to swallow when it comes to actually witnessing it happen or carrying it out first hand. But the second hardest lesson someone in our position has to learn and live with is that we're only human. We will mess up. We will make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have terrible consequences like it did this time. I was there. I didn't give the order or fire the shot, but I was there. I was responsible for those who died on Cimmeria. Our mistake wasn't freeing Teal'c. Our mistake was not taking steps to make up for the destruction we caused.

No one could have foreseen that the Goa'uld would ever come back to a planet they thought was off limits. But they did, and they were vulnerable because of us. How many more times are we going to mess up? How many more times are we going to leave a planet vulnerable to attack by an enemy because we couldn't keep our hands off? I didn't go to Abydos the first time. But I did go the second time, I was there when the open gate allowed them to be attacked. Again something that never should have happened. If we had never interfered in the first place, a large number of the people of Abydos wouldn't be dead or have snakes in their heads now. Sometimes I wonder if we aren't doing more harm than good out there right now. Sometimes I wish we had never unburied the Stargate in the first place. For all the good it's done, is it really worth all the bad stuff too? I don't know. But sometimes I don't think it is worth it. And sometimes, I just have to remind myself that's the job.

-Captain Samantha Carter


	28. Message in a Bottle

Message in a Bottle

Dear Journal,

One of the hardest things about my job, about being the man in charge, is watching helplessly from the sidelines as one of my men suffers. Everyone looks to me to make the hard decisions and I make them the best way, the only way that I know how. Not everyone agrees with the decisions that I make, but that's my job and I do it. Sometimes, I make my decisions based on fact, and sometimes based on previous experience, and sometimes based on instinct alone. And very often I base my orders on the advice of someone else.

I've known Captain Carter since she was just a toddler and in all that time I've never seen her change her mind as many times as she did today. But the one thing that has always stayed consistent is her passion. She has an unwavering passion for her job, and very strong convictions when it comes to the welfare of this mission and the safety of her team. She would have done anything to ensure that this base remained uncompromised. But even as she was encouraging Teal'c to keep shooting that orb with his staff weapon in the hopes of letting the organism thrive and allowing us to communicate with it, I could see it in her eyes. The pain of having to be the one to give the order. She knew as well as I did that such orders could very well have been the orders that killed Colonel O'Neill, that killed her own CO. I wished for a moment that I could have taken that pain from her and given the order instead. But that isn't always how this job works. Sometimes, being the man means standing aside and letting someone more knowledgeable call the shots, even risky ones with unpredictable consequences.

I'm learning to trust the instincts of my front line team in the field, SG-1. That even includes Dr. Jackson. For a civilian, he's caught on to the way that the military has to work rather well. I've come to respect his advice as much as anyone else's on this base. I only had seconds to either accept his suggestion of sending the organism through the gate or to reject it, not knowing if we could trust the alien to completely evacuate the base. What if some part of it had remained behind? What if as soon as we deactivated the self-destruct, it started to grow again? What if it still killed those most infected such as Lt. Simmons? But again, that's the job, making those difficult decisions when no one else can. So, I followed Dr. Jackson's lead and gave the order to send the organism on through. On a side note, I've now added PG8-114 to our blocked address list to ensure never bringing it through the gate again.

Thankfully, Colonel O'Neill remembers very little of his experience. Dr. Fraiser says it's due to his high fever at the time, but whatever the reason, it is a blessing. I know that he blames himself, but nothing that goes on in this base is ever anyone's fault other than my own. I give the orders to the Commanding Officer of each team to use their best judgment when it comes to what they allow to be brought through the gate. Those decisions are up to them, yes, but they make them with my blessing.

It's my job to inspect everything they bring though, determine the threat level and then decide what lab or containment facility should be used to investigate the items further. I made the call to allow Captain Carter and Dr. Jackson full access to the orb to study it. So, again, it's really my fault that the organism woke up. I could have ordered it to be contained for some time to see how it reacted to Earth's environment. But in my defense, it looked begin to the naked eye. It looked like any other inorganic matter. I had no idea that inside that shell, there were living beings, microscopic aliens. That is until you wake them up and they start spreading from one thing into another with no real purpose or reason. They can infect clothing and computers as easily as a human being. There's still no explanation for that phenomenon.

Oh dear, Kayla's trying to feed Tessa a bowl of cat food, I better go interfere before I have to take a sick kid to the emergency room. This is what their mother gets for leaving grandpa in charge for the night. She really didn't need to go see "Phantom of the Opera" on stage that bad. At least I don't think so. Until next time.

-General George Hammond


	29. Family

Family

Dear Journal,

I am told by my husband that writing one's feelings down on paper is a good way to cope with things we could not otherwise endure. I do wish for that to be true, however, I do not see how it could be possible to cure all my emotional strife just by putting it in writing. But I am willing to try almost anything at this point. Even as I write this, my heart is troubled, and my soul is heavy. I am living with Rya'c now in a place called the Land of Light. However, it was not that long ago that my son would have unleashed a virus right in my face that would have killed me quickly. I wish for that dark time to be over, however, I am still afraid that someday Apophis will find us, or worse, and Rya'c will remember his teachings from when he was brainwashed and revert back to monster he was then.

I am grateful to the Tau'ri for all that they have done to help bring my son's mind back to him and back to us. However, I still worry that their solution was only a temporary one. Captain Carter pulled me aside before we stepped through the Stargate to come here and told me of an old Tau'ri saying. There is no greater love on Earth than that of a mother for her child. She told me that she could understand my reservations and my feelings when it came to Rya'c's precarious situation. She assured me that she too would be greatly troubled if she were in my place. She would want to do all that she could to protect her child, even if it meant causing him short term pain as we did when Teal'c shot him with the zat'nik'tel. And she too would be worried about the effects of it lasting. But that she would want to enjoy every moment with him that she could, and watch for the signs of his brainwashing, but not dwell on them, just waiting for them to happen. Be cautious, but not all consumed by that worry. I wish I had her confidence.

I can only think back on all the other things I have done to protect, to love, my son. To ensure the best for him. I remarried when I thought that my husband was dead for the sole purpose of being sure that Rya'c had the best that life could offer to him. I do not know why it did not surprise me to learn that Fro'tak would betray us to Apophis. Indeed, I would not be surprised to learn that it was he who turned my son over to him in the first place. Fro'tak always would do whatever it took to earn a nice sum of money. My anger toward him now is only outweighed by my love for my son.

Before I left the Tau'ri home world, I was assured that Dr. Fraiser would work to find a cure for the virus that could have destroyed their planet within the space of a week in case it ever made an appearance in the future. Most likely all the members of their Stargate Program as Teal'c referred to it will receive a preventative inoculation like the one Daniel Jackson spoke of that prevents any of them from contracting another deadly Earth virus he called Anthrax.

I must depart now. Rya'c has promised to take me and show me a part of this world that he discovered while exploring. He announced that it will be the perfect place to set up a baseball field like the ones Colonel O'Neill told him about when he visited two days ago. It seems to be a very odd game where one person throws a ball at another and that person hits the ball with a stick. If no one on the opposing team catches the ball after it is been hit, then the person who hit it is to run around in a square shape trying not to get caught by the other team. It seems very confusing to me, but Rya'c is very excited to try it, and to share it with the other children in the Land of Light. And who am I to stand in his way? He is only a boy. Now is the time for him to play and have fun. I will be eternally grateful to my true husband and his Tau'ri friends for ensuring that he has that chance.

-Drey'auc


	30. Secrets

Secrets

Dear Journal,

Sha're. My Sha're. She's alive. And she had a child. Apophis's child. I don't know why I thought it could have been anyone else's child. I suppose it was just wishful thinking. Or maybe confusion due to the sensory overload of the moment. For just a second, I imagined that everything was ok again, that Sha're had come back to me, that somehow she was miraculously pregnant and we would be able to raise the child together as man and wife as we truly are. For just an instant, I felt hope. Hope that I could take her home with me. Hope that we could use the time while Amaunet was asleep to extract the demon from my love. Hope that I could finally be happy again. Hope that my wife would be back in my arms.

I got angry when I first saw her. Angry that after everything she had already been through, Apophis was still using her against her will to accomplish his diabolical ends. I should have been happy, should have been overjoyed just to see her again. But I couldn't allow myself that happiness, that joy, that relief. I guess I didn't want to allow myself to feel that, knowing that it would only be fleeting. It was too hard to feel anything other than anger and overwhelming depression and desperation and crushing sorrow. I'm glad Teal'c was there. I don't think anyone else could have helped me see what I needed to in order to treasure the short time I had with Sha're, and to deliver her baby safely.

He told me that I was only feeling sorry for myself. That's not true. I was and forever will be concerned about my wife above all else, but I have to admit that a small part of me did feel for myself. For the way that I had come so far only to be too late. I was more than a season too late. If we had gotten there even a week earlier, we would have managed to get Sha're back to Earth in time for the birth of her child. I blame myself for our tardiness. I could have asked General Hammond for leave sooner, but we received news of Teal'c's son's capture and I had to be there to support him. I knew we couldn't leave the base until we received word that his wife and son were safe in the Land of Light. That word didn't come until a few hours before I made my plea to General Hammond.

During the time that Sha're and I were alone while Teal'c was doing what he could to infiltrate and hold back the Horus guard, we talked about many things. Things that will never make it into a mission report. Although I suspect that Teal'c probably already knows one of those things and will eventually tell Jack about it as well if he hasn't already and if he didn't already put it in his own report. I asked Sha're to tell me what it was like to be a host to a Goa'uld. Sam and I talked about it some after her experience with Jolinar, but I rightly suspected that it would be different being a host to Tok'ra that it is being host to a Goa'uld.

She told me that there are times when she is aware of Amaunet's actions; times when the demon allows her to view what she is doing for the sole purpose of torturing her further. There are other times when she can talk to Amaunet in a way, influence her decisions and actions. Amaunet is cold and heartless just as all Goa'uld are, but there is one thing that could possibly be a chink in her carefully constructed façade. She is truly in love with Apophis. She would give her life for him. She loves him that much. It is the one thing over which she can almost sympathize with her host. She understands Sha're's love for me. She's headstrong and enjoys the mental torture she can impart on the human whose body she inhabits, but the one thing she does not enjoy, does not tolerate as well is the torture of one's true love. Sha're told me that she begged Amaunet to allow her to spend her time while the Goa'uld slept with her father on Abydos. Amaunet knew that her real reason for wanting to return there was in the hopes that I would come to her. She allowed it. She even hoped that Sha're would get to see me, get to see her love one last time. I also suspect that's why Amaunet spared our lives when she saw us hiding on Abydos. She did not wish to torture Sha're with my death. She wanted to spare us, to spare me, spare Sha're's love.

Sha're went on to beg me to take her child, for me to raise him as my own. I told her that I could not do it. That I would not be the best choice in guardian for her child. As much as I wanted to hang on to that piece of Sha're, as much as I loved the tiny baby the second I laid eyes on him, it wouldn't be the best thing for that child. I spend way too much at the mountain. I've died way too many times in the line of duty. I would not make a good parent given my current job situation. She finally agreed that her father would be the better choice in guardian. After all, he's the one that's truly related to the child by blood. I would only love him because I love Sha're.

I've managed to fall asleep every night since our return from Abydos thinking about how beautiful my wife looked when she was with child, even if the child was that of Apophis. She was still beautiful. She's so strong. She's still fighting against Amaunet, and sometimes, sometimes she wins. My wife is still alive. That thought alone is the only thing keeping me going from day to day now.

We have a mission briefing soon. I should go get ready for it. After I do one last thing. I have to kiss my wife goodbye. It's just a picture. I know that. But I don't think I could do anything without my daily kiss.

-Dr. Daniel Jackson

* * *

><p>Dear Journal,<p>

I hate reporters. They always seem to get in the way of things. I managed to take the tape recorder off Selig after his untimely accident. Turns out he had more conversations saved on that thing than just the one Captain Carter and I had on the Capital stairs. It even included one in which I called her "Sam" instead of "Carter". I've got to remember to watch my tongue a little more closely. It's not like we were on an official mission or anything. I was feeling a little more casual than I probably should have been and the name just felt natural to me. It wasn't the only time I did it either. I caught myself calling her by her first name at least five other times during our stint away from the mountain.

Between the medal ceremony when we got back to Cheyenne and the trip to Abydos that almost turned into a rescue mission, I haven't had much time to talk to Carter, but I know that something's up with her. I asked her about it on the plane back from DC. She admitted that her dad was trying to get her into NASA and she was torn about what to tell him as an excuse for not taking the position. She went on to say that it wouldn't be so bad, but she also found out that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. Cancer. That's got to be a tough pill for her to swallow.

I'm not worried about her keeping her head in the game, and focusing on missions and such. I know she'll do that just fine. But it's the time after a mission ends that I'm worried about. If you can't relax during your down time, then you won't be at 100% when the next mission comes across. She's locked herself in her lab ever since we got back from Abydos. I tried dragging her out for team night, and she refused. Come to think of it, Daniel refused team night too.

Maybe we'll all go fishing up at my cabin. They can't say no to that. But between Carter's worries over her dad and Daniel's worries over Sha're and her child that's now living secreted away with Kasuf and a nursing woman, I just don't know how to pull us back together again.

We have another mission scheduled to embark in a few hours and I'm already late for the briefing, but I promise as soon as we come home this time, we are taking a break! The team needs it, and frankly so do I.

-Colonel J. O'Neill, two L's


	31. Bane

Bane

Dear Journal,

The most incredible thing just happened to me! I met an alien! No one is ever going to believe me. But I know it's true. Not that I could or ever would tell anyone anyways. I promised not to. And a promise is a promise forever. Besides, it's kind of cool being the only kid in town to have ever really met an alien. Of course he couldn't tell me that's what he was, since it's all classified, but I know that has to be it. He was sick when I first met him and he started to grow a web around his entire body. It was kind of like a spider web of sorts. No, that's not it, more like a cocoon.

I saved his life and everything. At least that's what everyone kept telling me. Colonel O'Neill on the telephone. That nerdy guy Daniel said it too. Somehow, I don't think that's really true. He would have found a way to get better even without me. He looked really bad off, but he was still kind of strong. I bet he could have gotten better on his own. Strong people like that always do.

Note to self, when you tell a giant alien that he owes you one, he'll get you the best gift ever. But be prepared because he'll get himself an even better one and then proceed to totally dominate you. Although, I got to say, that was the most epic water gun battle of all time. Daniel got caught in the cross fire a few times. I don't think he was too happy about that. But I had fun. And so did Teal'c.

Somehow, I don't think that he has that kind of fun too often. He just seems very serious to me. But I know I can trust him. Anyone who is cool enough to stand up to street punks like he did is alright in my book. They still can't get over the tattoo place named "Chulak" that uses molten gold to make funky symbols in the middle of someone's forehead. I'll tell you a secret, I don't think Chulak is a tattoo place at all. I think it's the alien guy's home planet. I also think that his tattoo meant that he was someone important there, like a king maybe. Only kings can afford tattoos made out of gold. Teal'c must be rich. Although, if I'm right, he probably can't use his money around here. It's alien money. That doesn't convert too well to American dollars.

Teal'c mentioned something about being on his way to go fishing at Colonel O'Neill's cabin. Whatever that means. I bet it's some kind of code for a secret project they're working on together. What kind of special agent alien king ambassador to Earth goes fishing anyway? I'm rolling my eyes right now.

I thought about asking my dad's old friends from the police to look up Colonel O'Neill to find out exactly what it is that he's involved in. But I figured that just by giving out the fact that I know his name, I'm telling people that I actually know more information than I should.

The best thing to come out of all of this is that I know what I want to do when I grow up. I want to join the Airforce. I want to go work with Teal'c and all of his friends and maybe other aliens too. I use to think that I wanted to be a cop like my dad. But that's not true anymore. I want to help Teal'c in whatever it is that he's involved in like fishing at Colonel O'Neill's cabin. I really want to know what that's all about. So, yep, I'm joining the Airforce. They'll even pay for my college if I ever decide to go. I only have eight more years until I can sign up. That's not really that long when you think about it. 2006. That's my year. That's the year I'll get to find out the whole truth. I just hope that Mayborne guy won't be around anymore by that point. I really didn't like his smell. And he talked to me like I was some kind of baby. That's not the way to get information that you want. If I was such a baby, like he was treating me, then I wouldn't have known anything to tell him anyway.

Mom just got home. I should go get dinner ready. It's pizza night. I already have the crust made, just have to throw on the sauce and the cheese. And I'm thinking extra pepperoni. I promise to write more about my new alien best friend later.

-Ally Martin


End file.
